Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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