I smell stomach acid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
