What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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