sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
