Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
