make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
