I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
