fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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