Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
