His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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