I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
