Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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