I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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