So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize