I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
