Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
