We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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