My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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