You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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