I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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