Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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