Too much gin, very little bucket
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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