I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize