I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
