definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize