it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
