I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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