im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
