I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
