U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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