Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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