oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
