Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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