At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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