I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
