all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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