I accidentally had phone sex last night
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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