If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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