i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize