the condom got lost in my hair
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
