wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
