i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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