WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
