Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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