i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
