I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize