My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
