a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
