Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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