I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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