I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
