I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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