She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
