My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
