I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
