no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
