she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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