even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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