Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
