A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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